Are you tired of the IB lifestyle? Do you need a break from construction noise? Have you been craving a getaway from the high-quality education that your parents sold their yacht and took out a mortgage to pay for? Look no further, because here is your detailed how-to guide to help you steal money from a well-meaning, non-profit organization!
Step 1: Before you start, it’s important to do some background research. Read about Zevi Mehlman’s failed embezzlement attempt at WIS in 2015 to make sure you don’t end up like him. It’s always a bit embarrassing to not succeed when you’re embezzling your employers!
Step 2: Get a job as the Chief Financial Officer (CFO) at WIS. Don’t worry about age (just round up a few decades) or qualifications (grade six-level WIS math probably counts). Realistically, your student ID will probably be enough. If it can get you through the lunchline, the CFO application will be a breeze.
Step 3: Use a school credit card to buy lots and lots and lots of computers at different stores. Just carrying your backpack around school won’t be enough weight training to help you out here! Either employ a bodybuilding or judo champion to help (spoiler – you have more than one to choose from at WIS), or suspiciously put all the computers in the back of one of the white sports minibuses.
Step 4: Pretend to go through an identity crisis and sell all the computers, but wire the refunds to your personal card.
Step 5: Be chill. Don’t look any Secret Service officers in the eyes. Take your money and run! Soon you might realize you didn’t steal enough money to survive (in that case, start again from step 2).
Emergency step: If caught, offer to sell your house and compliment Le Centre Brown, the new WIS building. While you’re at it, donate some money to the construction company!
PRO TIP: If you need help with any part of this, call up the inspiring legend himself, Mr. Zevi Mehlman, who is now out of prison and ready to be of assistance! Just call 1-800-ROBBERY for some top notch advice from an almost-successful previous WIS embezzler.
By Tindra Jemsby
