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Political Caricatures, as Told by Henri & Jonathan

Days ago, when I was skyping with Jonathan, catching up, he asked me which candidate I will vote for, or would vote for in the 2016 presidential race. My answer was Christie. When asked why, I responded (as a joke): “Christie has that paternal feel about him, I feel like he is both big and strong enough to cradle me in his arms”. Jonathan, taking this literally (Oh Jonathan!), decided to put my words on paper. “And on the sixth day, Jonathan created”:

Then he got excited and made caricatures of other candidates and me:

Mr. O’Mara: the Donald Trump of WIS?

It’s lunchtime on the first day back at WIS and Tom O’Mara is staring out the windows of his office, debating the state of the world: specifically, the state of the ISU cabinet. “I think it’s a mess,” he says. “The school needs strong leadership, and I’m the man to provide it.”

O’Mara, a member of the faculty at WIS, doesn’t care that the S in ISU stands for students: “Some people say my experience as Athletic Director doesn’t translate to being a student. Well, those people can stop being childish because I can athletically direct these students to a bright new future!”

When asked about current presidents Kyle Macmillan and Blaise Malley, who famously fixed the nets at the far end of the soccer field, O’Mara shrugs. “They lack vision,” he states. “Fix the nets? I say take it farther. We need to build a wall around the field, to keep those balls in.” He takes the wall idea one step further by suggesting building one around his office, so students “can’t just sneak in and take equipment and uniforms.”

O’Mara claims the rest of his plans are strong, but continues to focus on the issue of the wall. However, if the rest of his ideas are as intense, one can expect that this ISU administration has had enough stage time, and it’s O’Mara’s turn to make a big entrance.

Preparing for your first day: your unfailing guide to high school

Freshmen: Your first year in high school can be tough, so check out these cool tips!

• Buy all the school supplies you will need!
• Wear outfits that express your unique style!
• Join lots of clubs and have fun!
• Stay away from Hella Blunt$

Sophomores: The year before the IB! You got this!

• Keep an open mind when choosing your IB subjects!
• Seriously, choose some good IB subjects.
• You think I’m joking, but your IB subjects can make or break you. 
• Four highers may seem fun, but they aren’t. 
• Just make all around good life choices.

Juniors: the IB is here. These tips will help guide you through your first year in the IB!

• Subscribe to sparknotes. 
• Understand that the IB wants you to make a mistake. It wants you to fail.
• The IB is your enemy. Every day is a struggle.
• Did I mention sparknotes?

Seniors: One more year until sweet, sweet freedom

• Accept the Void
• The Void is calling. Just give in.
• Sacrifice your homework to the Void
• The Void is all there is. The Void is all there is…

• Also, Netflix

In next edition

James Martin replaced by Rob Noble as varsity head coach.

Distractions in math class undergo significant drop due to teacher’s departure.

Students finally discover Robert Higgins’ “unfriendly, misanthropic, downright antisocial” side.

Newsflash: WIS’s favorite ice cream flavor is Vanilla.

mrskaplAn wrOte !this headline?

Presenting PROMics

Because all everyone’s talking about these days is prom…

Want to make a girl feel special? Bring back that facebook argument you had with her about a year ago. Nothing shows commitment like remembering every little detail of your online interactions.

Need a strategy for promposing? Target a specific demographic, such as old ladies. Your specificity will bring tears of joy to their wrinkled eyes.

Show her how much you care by attempting to illegally infiltrate a government building and bringing shame to secret services across America.

Elections

The results of the International Student Union elections are in, and WIS has its most diverse cabinet in years! The president-elects are juniors Blaise Malley and Kyle MacMillan, the secretary-elect is sophomore Victor Wallemacq, the treasurer-elect is Andre Gardiner, and the spirit coordinator-elect is Jack Payne.

In a series of rousing speeches, this year’s winning candidates captivated the audience and convinced them to give them their votes. Particularly moving speeches included Wallemacq’s, with its powerful message of “thanks for not opposing me, I guess.” Gardiner, too, had a rousing speech complete with friends “makin’ it rain” on the audience – reminding us that this was the man who was now responsible for our student body’s money.

There was no shortage of spirit in Payne’s speech, as he took the stage with his friend Matteo Schlitz in an original speech reminiscent of Key and Peele’s “Obama’s Anger Translator.” In a series of enthusiastic “wooooo’s”, Payne communicated his message while performing a chain of supposedly intimidating poses. The only thing missing from his speech was a backwards baseball cap, a red solo cup, and a shirt emblazoned with three greek letters.

The speeches concluded with the candidates running for president, with Malley and MacMillan performing a stand-up comedy routine/gymnastics exhibition about nets that was met with a roar of applause and the occasional statement of “Blaise is a god among men.” By the end of the day, Malley and MacMillan’s cabinet positions were secured as you, the student body, did indeed help them help you help them.

Requiem for a Lost WiFi

In loving memory 2/25/2015

Hella Blunt$ Hits It Big

Hella Blunt$, also known as Humble Reagan, lives in Northwest Washington, D.C. While most rappers are known for wearing baggy pants and tank tops, Humble Reagan has revolutionized the rap game by switching up his style to sperrys and a polo (one of his favorite sports). A self-described “rich white kid”, Humble Reagan is the embodiment of an up-and-coming rapper.

His newest track, Michael Vick, is blowing up, with a whopping 192 plays on Soundcloud as of Monday February 9th, 17 days after the track was released. According to Humble Reagan, Michael Vick is “just something [he] made while kicking back with some bros”, a truly inspirational story that demonstrates Humble Reagan’s drive and commitment to the rap industry.

With his clever pop culture references and intricate wordplay – including timeless lyrics such as “This the Hobbit, you the dwarf, I’m the wizard” – Humble Reagan plumbs the depths of the male psyche as well as pushing the limits of what is culturally acceptable, saying “Was that offensive? Shut […] up. Don’t get defensive.”

Ultimately, Michael Vick is a breath of fresh air to rap, as Humble Reagan explores themes of arrogance and misogyny, two ideas completely foreign to rap music that prove that Humble Reagan is truly the rap world’s Next Big Thing.

We caught up with Humble Reagan at Potomac Country Club, where he was golfing passionately, dressed in gangsta rap’s typical spiffy all-white attire. When asked to comment on his hit single, Humble Reagan simply declared, “I’m dope, and I do dope things,” as he removed his gold-lined putting gloves. Truly a man of few words when it comes to describing his groundbreaking approach to music, Humble Reagan’s modesty and work ethic shine through on a mixtape that promises great things to come from WIS’s next musical breakthrough.